When I first found out that I was pregnant I became immersed in thoughts of being the super woman who would create epic posts and videos of the pregnancy because nothing could go wrong. Little did I realize how wrong I was!
Let me be clear, this pregnancy has been a breeze so far, physically speaking. Hormones are a different story though.
Nate and I immediately recognized that I was not the same person as I was before. I became depressed and full of anxiety to the point where I quit a job I'd had for only two weeks. Yes, it was rash and we struggled financially, but my emotions controlled everything then.
It felt as though I was mentally paralyzed and all I could do was cry. All. The. Time.
Luckily, through the grace of God, I was able to find my way out of the dark shaft of gloom. My loving husband, understanding family, and supportive friends all helped in lifting my spirits. Even the one therapy session I didn't like had some part in "curing" me.
Now, I am back on track and living my life the way I want. Sure I still have my moments, but I feel free again in a way that only R. Kelly can explain. I believe I can fly!
If you're interested, allow me to explain how I was able to find myself again.
1. Let God In
I am a Christian. I strongly believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior and died to save me and all my fellow spiritual brothers and sisters. While I was in my depressed state, that belief never went away, but it faded a little because I didn't continue to work on my relationship with Him.
Going to church every Sunday seemed like a bore and I no longer wanted to read my scriptures or pray as normal. What was most difficult for me was knowing that God wanted me to be happy, but not knowing how.
"And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive." - Matthew 21:22
How was I supposed to be happy? I had a plethora of emotions and thoughts running through my head constantly, but none of them included the magic answer. Ironically, what I needed to hear came from a religious leader at church.
Nate and I were sitting separately that Sunday because he was helping to usher and all I could think about was how much I wanted to walk out of the building and cry. Yeah, it was one of those days. By some miracle, I did stay and I'm so glad I did. As the speaker came to the pulpit, he pronounced the words, "I didn't plan on saying this, but I feel prompted to tell you all that you are doing better than you think you are."
Huh. I am doing better than I think I am. In that moment, I felt God's love encompass me, causing me to do the very thing I was trying to hold in - cry. Never before had I cried in public, let alone at church, but here I was with genuine tears. I knew that speaker was truly prompted by God to say those words just for me and I also knew that I had to change.
Right after the meeting I found Nate and told him what happened. We came up with a plan together to make the Lord a more central part in our lives by reading the scriptures and praying together every day, and attending the temple more consistently.
I have found that the Lord always wants to be in our lives, but we have to open the door to let Him in.
2. Let Your Spouse In
My poor, sweet, loving Nate. I can honestly say that he is the very best person for me in the entire world. There is no one else I would ever want to spend eternity with than my best friend.
He knows me well enough to know that when I am upset, I normally like to be alone. He also knows that I shouldn't be alone that much when I am upset because my imagination typically makes my mood worse. Day in and day out, whether I was acting fine or completely off the hinge, he was there.
Maybe some of you readers can relate, but I am intensely headstrong and independent. Not wanting to hear what others have to say, I can block out the world. There's a problem with that action though. Where does my husband fit?
We were celebrating our one year anniversary the same time we learned I was pregnant and I couldn't even enjoy our vacation because of my depression. I still wasn't used to having a forever teammate although I should have anticipated that I couldn't fix everything myself. It wasn't until I opened up to Nate more and communicated what I was actually feeling that anything could improve.
I may not be able to dunk a basketball myself, but with Nate, we can earn points for our family team together.
“Ask not what your teammates can do for you. Ask what you can do for your teammates” – Magic Johnson
3. Let Yourself In
Last, but certainly not least, I needed to let myself back into my life. Not to be confused with self-worth or confidence (I have an over abundance of that no matter what), but I couldn't forget what made me happy.
For instance, I had to force myself to sit down at my piano and sing again. Once I get started, I know I won't want to stop. It's always tricky getting started though, isn't it? Another release of mine was making videos and being in front of the camera, which is why I stuck with uploading pregnancy update videos on my YouTube channel.
As a creative-minded person, I needed a creative release. If you are more logic-minded, you might find a different type of release.
If you are in a rut right now, I would suggest making a list of things you enjoy doing and do them! And remember, whether you are dealing with pregnancy hormones or just negative emotions in general, it will improve as long as you act on what you want.
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Thank you for your blog. I’m a Christian and am currently as pastors wife. I’m 20 weeks pregnant and since this pregnancy started, I’ve been in a horrible rut and dealing with severe complications and depression. This is our first baby but it has been hard. Relying on God has been something I struggle with especially when you have no desire to do anything or even get out of bed but I talked to my husband and we are going to start spending time together in Gods word and prayer (even if I drag my feet or really don’t want to) because I know christ is sufficient in my life even when It all seems a mess. And I’ve been talking with my husband more and being open. That was hard but It has helped so much and although my hormonal pregnancy head said that he would hate me, or resent me, of course my husband was so gracious, loving and is doing everything to support me through thsi pregnancy. That was the hardest part but I’m so thankful for the encouragement and advice! Thank you for your blog
Amber, thank you so much for your kind words! Pregnancy can be hard, especially when we can’t always control how our raging hormones affect us, but it does get better! And seeing that little baby of yours will make everything worth it!